Dear Sil Lai: I Want to Date Online But I’m Scared of the Crazies!”
I am a 50 year old lady that is so tired of being alone. I’ve been married twice and neither one worked out, but I only have myself to blame. I’m having a hard time meeting men that I feel will be good to me. Maybe I just don’t give them a chance, but I can tell within an hour whether I want to be with him or not. Because I really don’t date go places where I can meet people which made me think about trying online dating, but I’m afraid of all the crazies I hear that are online. How can a woman like me find love again?
Finding love at any age can be challenging, however for women, particularly Black women over 45 it can be downright daunting. With that being said, based upon your letter it appears that the more immediate issue is your perspective, not your present social circumstances. While I don’t know the details, it’s unlikely that you were the only person at fault for the failure of your marriages. After all, it takes two to tango. It doesn’t matter if they ended one year or ten years ago; as long as you don’t have a balanced view of what happened, you will invariably carry those misperceptions and accompanying baggage into your next relationship.
I understand that by the age of 50 you have a pretty good understanding of what does and doesn’t work for you in a partner and there are certain things which can be an automatic turnoff on a first date (like someone downing four scotches in forty-five minutes or ogling every woman that passes your table). However, it’s impossible for anyone to be able to tell with 100% certainty how compatible or incompatible a person is within an hour. The reality is that it takes time to really get to know someone. I’ve had a couple of great relationships with men who for one reason or another initially started out in my “friend zone”. We can never fully predict when Cupid’s arrow will strike, and with whom.
From what I’ve seen over the years, the difference between those who find love and those who don’t can often be attributed to their attitude. I have several acquaintances and friends who have found love 45+. I also know women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s who haven’t had a relationship in years, largely in part because of their choices, notcircumstances. For instance, three years ago a girlfriend of mine was complaining about not having been on a date in years despite being an attractive and loving woman Christian woman.
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