He’s Marrying Who? Lauryn, Rohan and a Miseducation in Love

In case you’ve been under a social media rock, Rohan Marley, 39, son of Rasta reggae legend Bob Marley, is engaged to be married to someone else other than the Grammy Award-winning singer Lauryn Hill, mother of 5 of his 7 publicly acknowledged children. His fiancee? Brazilian model Isabeli Fontana, 28, the “other” woman alleged to be the final straw in the 15 year on-and-off again relationship between Marley and Hill.  Fontana and Marley are planning on exchanging their vows in Ethiopia, the birthplace of the Rastafari movement. A website quoted  Fontana as saying this past weekend “Rohan told me that we must return to their origins so that the marriage will last forever.”

Cause’ everyone knows that the long-term viability of a marriage is largely due to the locale of the wedding. 

*crickets*

Marley and Fontana are engaged. However, they ain’t married yet. They haven’t even set a date. Still, their announcement has created quite the buzz online. Many are disappointed that Marley has opted to marry someone other than the woman with whom he has five children.  I get that there is something threatening about the fact that a man could have enough kids to form a basketball team with a woman over the span of 15 years and never take the steps to make her his legal wife. Let alone turn around less than a year later and propose marriage to another woman…and a WHITE one at that. 

Honestly, the lack of an engagement/marriage certificate between Marley and Hill doesn’t faze me…I understand that jumping the broom is not the defacto relationship end game for everyone.  Maybe Hill wanted to get married to him. Maybe she didn’t. Who knows if she wanted to marry?  The fact that they did or didn’t is no one’s business but their own. 

What does irk me is that many of the commenters (who are largely women, I might add) essentially infer or come straight out and say that the fact that Marley never married her, even after having five of his kids, is a clear indication of Hill’s lack of self-love.  Somehow, Hill is the deficient one in this drama. Not the twice-divorced bride-to-be who allegedly began an affair with Marley while he was still with Hill.  Not the man who was willing to jointly create five children with a woman he “didn’t love enough to marry.”  No, Hill wasn’t able to get this dude to wife her because she didn’t love herself. Because if SHE really loved herself, HE would’ve put a ring on it.

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Dear Sil Lai: I Want to Date Online But I’m Scared of the Crazies!”

I am a 50 year old lady that is so tired of being alone. I’ve been married twice and neither one worked out, but I only have myself to blame. I’m having a hard time meeting men that I feel will be good to me.  Maybe I just don’t give them a chance, but I can tell within an hour whether I want to be with him or not. Because I really don’t date go places where I can meet people which made me think about trying online dating, but I’m afraid of all the crazies I hear that are online. How can a woman like me find love again?

Finding love at any age can be challenging, however for women, particularly Black women over 45 it can be downright daunting. With that being said, based upon your letter it appears that the more immediate issue is your perspective, not your present social circumstances.  While I don’t know the details, it’s unlikely that you were the only person at fault for the failure of your marriages. After all, it takes two to tango.  It doesn’t matter if they ended one year or ten years ago; as long as you don’t have a balanced view of what happened, you will invariably carry those misperceptions and accompanying baggage into your next relationship.

I understand that by the age of 50 you have a pretty good understanding of what does and doesn’t work for you in a partner and there are certain things which can be an automatic turnoff on a first date (like someone downing four scotches in forty-five minutes or ogling every woman that passes your table).  However, it’s impossible for anyone to be able to tell with 100% certainty how compatible or incompatible a person is within an hour.  The reality is that it takes time to really get to know someone.  I’ve had a couple of great relationships with men who for one reason or another initially started out in my “friend zone”.  We can never fully predict when Cupid’s arrow will strike, and with whom.

From what I’ve seen over the years, the difference between those who find love and those who don’t can often be attributed to their attitude. I have several acquaintances and friends who have found love 45+.  I also know women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s who haven’t had a relationship in years, largely in part because of their choices, notcircumstances.  For instance, three years ago a girlfriend of mine was complaining about not having been on a date in years despite being an attractive and loving woman Christian woman. 

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My Mother Doesn’t Love Me

I’ve told my kids frequently “You know I’d throw myself in front of a moving bus for you, right?” They snicker at my dramatic choice of words, but they know it’s the truth. From the moment they drew their first breath I instinctively began to protect and nurture my children. To me, parenting is a reflex that is as involuntary as a heartbeat.  But the reality is that the desire or ability to mother isn’t always a given. Each year on Mother’s Day the little girl inside of me mourns not having a relationship that for many people is an assumption.  As anyone who has ever lost someone they loved can say, the emotional pain never completely goes away.  It just dulls to a distant, occasional ache.

Mother’s Day has always been a bittersweet day for me. On one hand, I look forward with anticipation to see what my kids are going to do for me on this annual day to acknowledge me as their loving and dedicated mom.  It’s an annual event where in addition to getting served breakfast in bed, I bring out their baby pictures and regale them with stories about how they liked to run around the house naked as toddlers as they roll their eyes.

On the other hand, Mother’s Day also brings into sharp focus the fact that I am a motherless child.  I don’t say this with any anger…it’s just a statement of fact. The second Sunday of May and it’s accompanying sales circulars and TV commercials reminds me that my mother has chosen not to be in my life.  Honestly, it makes me cringe that it’s assumed that everyone has/had a mother who was loving or even present. As harsh as it sounds, not everyone’s mother loves them, nor does every mother choose to actively parent their children.

It’s a hard thing to say, but my mother doesn’t love me. She abandoned me and my two siblings thirty-seven years ago. Aside from a brief reconciliation when I was 27, she has had zero input in my life since I was five years old.  As a mother myself, it’s hard to fathom how a woman can walk away from her kids, but it happens more often than our society cares to admit. Unfortunately, the ability to give birth is not dependent upon a woman having a maternal instinct. 

This isn’t to say that I didn’t have a mother figure in my life; from the age of 5 to 17, I was raised by my father’s second wife with Spartan care. Julie wasn’t the most communicative or affectionate person, but she did the best she could under the circumstances of financial instability, my father’s repeated infidelities and social isolation. During my teen years our relationship was extremely volatile. I felt she was controlling, conservative and uptight, which she was. But she was also dedicated to her family, fastidious in her care for our physical needs, and did her best to instill decent values in me and my siblings.  As I’ve grown older and raised my own children my appreciation for her not only as a mother, but as a kind and compassionate human being has increased a thousand fold. 

At some point, someone or something killed that instinct in my mother.  When we were briefly reconciled for 7 months back in 1997, she told me point blank “I don’t like you.  I wouldn’t choose you as a friend. You just happen to be my daughter.  Just because we’re mother and daughter doesn’t mean that we have to be in each other’s lives.”  

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OFF LIMITS: Recognizing Mr/Ms. Unavailable

Five months into your relationship and your once passionate new partner inexplicably suddenly starts to back off. You notice their texts and calls aren’t as frequent, or that they only respond to yours-never initiate.  Then they start pulling back sexually or their style suddenly changes.  This is the sister who has been Ms. Propriety who suddenly becomes Ms. Hanging from the Chandeliers or the brother who now perpetually has a headache.  When you first got together there weren’t enough hours in the day for you to spend together. Now she has dozens of excuses why she can’t see you as frequently.  And then one day it’s suddenly over and you’re left wondering to yourself, “Was this whole thing just a game or fantasy?”

In a nutshell yes, if they were unavailable. As a matter of fact, if they’re truly unavailable they were never really there in the first place.

Because emotionally unavailable people often behave (at least in the beginning) as if they want to be in a relationship, it’s important to be able to recognize the red flags early on while dating—before you get your heart broken.  Be forewarned: a Mr. or Ms. Unavailable typically actively seeks out relationships.  They can be the most romantic and or considerate people in the universe, that is until there is the perceived or actual expectation of some form of commitment. 

So, what are some of the warning signs that someone isn’t really available?

1. They’re circumstantially unavailable.  As in married, separated, cohabiting or even divorced but still hanging on in some way to their ex. They’re incarcerated. Living in another city with no intention of ever permanently residing in the same zip code.  Their work keeps them on the road 9 months of the year. They are on permanent military deployment. They live with their ex.
2. They’re addicts.  Someone who is addicted in any way is already in a relationship - with their substance or activity of choice. Until they get help, you’ll always run a second or third or tenth in line to their next fix.
3. They’re secretive.  Unavailable people often have big secrets or even secret lives, therefore they tend to give you as little access to their world as possible.  For instance, you don’t know the number to their office or you’ve never been to their home.  In this way, you’re less likely to get a clear picture of what you’re really dealing with, thus keeping you off balance and them in control of the (lack of) direction of your non-relationship.

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Are You Being Emotionally Manipulated?

Emotional or psychological manipulation (also known as “mind-effing”) is defined as behavior that is intended to change the attitude or behavior of other people by using devious, deceptive or even abusive means.  If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where someone does something to harm you and during the course of the discussion about what happened and you find yourself apologizing to THEM, you’ve been emotionally manipulated.  Or if you’ve had someone offer to help you, only to hem, haw, sigh and whine so much about it that you wish they never offered to help in the first place, you’ve been a victim of this psychological form of control.

An Emotional Manipulator (EM) will use a host of indirect and underhanded tactics to try and get you to do what they want.  A few examples are:

• Lying (either directly or by omission)
• Spinning the facts in an effort to change your perspective, such as omitting information, downplaying facts, or employing the “non-denial denial,”  an example of which is when you ask if they forgot to pay the car payment, they say “Don’t be ridiculous!”, effectively denying culpability without actually ever saying the words. 
• Covert or overt intimidation:  Overt intimidation is using direct threats of punitive behavior as a way to get you to do what they want.  Covert intimidation is implied, indirect or subtle threats.
• Guilt tripping:  Emotional manipulators are masters of the guilt trip. You might as well pack your bags before you say no to one of their requests, as they will have you feeling so bad about your decision that you’ll wish you were away on an actual trip-away from them, that is.
• Projecting Blame/Playing the Victim:  An emotional manipulator will rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their behavior and choices.  They’re quick to scapegoat others and somehow always position themselves as the victim. 

I saw a good example of this sort of behavior when I watched Robert Zimmerman, Jr., brother of Trayvon Martin shooter George Zimmerman being interviewed on Piers Morgan.  This seemingly mild mannered man expertly used various manipulative tactics in his effort to somehow make his brother the victim in this horrific crime.  Robert tried to come across as if he had genuine concern for the suffering of the Martin family, but like all manipulators, his interest began and ended with his own agenda.  EMs are the classic wolves in sheep’s clothing, for they will not hesitate to cause you discomfort or harm if it will help them get their way. 

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5 Things Guaranteed to Keep You Single

I was having a conversation the other day with my contractor Jose, an Ecuadorian man who has been married to the same woman for 16 years.  In the midst of discussing the difference between eggshell and satin paint finishes, he asked “Why hasn’t a nice lady like you found another husband?”  I wasn’t going to get into an in-depth conversation about my relationship status with a relative stranger, so I gave him the standard “it’s hard to meet a compatible partner” spiel.  Jose nodded his head and then said “How often do you go to disco?” 

“How often do I go to nightclubs? Well, never. I’m a forty-something year old woman with kids!”

“That is why you are single. You don’t go to disco. There are lots of men at disco.” 

*canned laughter*

Now, I’m still not clear as to whether or not my traditional-minded South American friend was serious or not, but his humorous and simplistic response wasn’t so different from “solutions” given to frustrated Black men and women seeking to jump the broom. 

“Think like a man!”

“Date outside your race!”

“Date an older man!”/ “Date a younger woman!”

“Join a church/mosque/sangha!”

It should be clear that marriage is not the desired or likely destination for every person. However, there are a lot of people who desire a long-term committed partnership, be it marriage or otherwise. I understand there are complex sociological factors that are contributing to the often-discussed lack of Black marriages, but even with that, I do believe there are some perspectives and choices that we make as individuals that can keep us unwillingly single. 

So why are there so many attractive, reasonably intelligent brothers and sisters spending major holidays alone? In my experience, there are five key mindsets that one can have that will ensure that you DON’T ever end up in a healthy, loving, committed, long-term relationship.

1. Dating unavailable people: Unavailable as in married, cohabiting, addicted, workaholic, living in another country, etc. These relationships tend to be very future focused as in “someday when I move to your city” or “someday when I leave my husband,” etc.  Being in a “relationship” with someone who is emotionally, physically, or circumstantially unavailable gives you the illusion of being connected without you having to ever deal with “real” relationship issues.

2. Choosing partners based upon superficial traits: Too many of us are picking mates based on looks or pedigree, while dismissing important factors such as shared values. If I had a nickel for every chronically single person I’ve spoken with who led their excited conversation about a new possible paramour with a laundry list of their professional or physical merits I’d be a millionaire. Healthy long-term relationships are founded on shared basic values and a genuine friendship. Not the size of one’s physical, professional or financial assets. Once the ‘wow’ factor of a new relationship fades, you’re left with someone with whom you have very little in common. Then what?

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Are You Dating a Sex Addict?

When golf legend Tiger Woods went away to rehab to be treated for an alleged sex addiction he became the butt of a thousand jokes, lost millions of dollars in product endorsement revenue and became the poster boy for wayward spouses.  In one fell swoop of his wife’s golf club, his pristine image as a blue chip athlete was totaled.   Tiger became a laughingstock on and off the golf course and many of the men I know rolled their eyes and said, “Yeah, right.  There’s no such thing as sex addiction…a man is only as faithful as his options.”  Many of the women I spoke with also expressed skepticism about an addiction centered around an activity that is a primary human instinct.  “Please…Tiger is just being a man.” 

What most people don’t realize is that there is fact a VERY big difference between someone who loves to have sex or someone who is a sex addict.  Sex addiction (also referred to as sexual compulsivity or hypersexuality) isn’t about having a strong sex drive…it’s using sex in a compulsive way as a way to avoid feeling or dealing with what’s really happening in your life.  This avoidant behavior ultimately does its job too well and becomes a problem in and of itself. 

The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity defines sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior that is acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.”  Sexually addictive behaviors include compulsively seeking new sexual partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, and compulsive sexuality within a relationship.  Yes, many people go through a phase where they may spend an inordinate amount of time scanning Match.com or trolling a local watering hole.  You can love someone from afar, masturbate frequently and have hours upon hours of marathon sex with your partner-and still not be a sex addict.  The difference is in the thought process driving their actions and the increasingly negative consequences that do little to stem their compulsive behavior. 

Healthy sexuality is pleasurable and freeing. It is a powerful energy that is a conscious, positive expression of our sexual being that enhances one’s self-esteem, emotional relationship and physical health.  Sexual addiction, on the other hand, has the exact opposite affect.  It is unconscious, destructive behavior that damages self-esteem, causes harm in relationships and damages physical health.  While the substances or methods used to escape their pain vary (cocaine vs. gambling vs. pornography), at the core of every addict is the desire to escape reality coupled with an inability to stop their behavior.  A sex addict will pursue their next fix with the same fever and single-mindedness of purpose as a crack addict will for a rock.

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The 10 Breakup Commandments: What Not to Do When You Split Up

Face the facts: some 50% or more of all romantic relationships are gonna come to an end.  Breakups are hard enough when we’re the one doing the initiating.  But being dumped can cause some of us to absolutely lose it.

Pop culture is littered with people who have a less than optimal response to being kicked to the curb. I mean, who can forget Lisa Nowak, the infamous former NASA astronaut who drove 900 miles in an adult diaper while on her way to kidnap her former lover’s new girlfriend just so she wouldn’t have to stop to use a restroom?  Or YaVaughnie Wilkins, a sister who had an eight-year affair with Charles Phillips, the married former co-President of Oracle Corporation? When Phillips decided to reconcile with his long-suffering wife, YaVaughnie responded by posting billboards outing their relationship in three different cities.  Phillips lost his job over the scandal and Ms. Wilkins is now the poster child of spurned mistresses.

A relationship ending on terms other than your own is going to be extra painful.  But being dumped is not a justifiable reason to go crazy.  It’s never easy to lose someone you love, but putting up a website dedicated to the character flaws of your ex is not going to get you the resolution you’re looking for. 

Over the years I’ve seen how two otherwise decent people end up putting each other through the emotional equivalent of World War III because one or both can’t or won’t move on.  I’ve seen too many folks lose all sense of decency when a relationship ends, which has led me to create the following 10 Commandments of Breaking Up in response:

1. Thou Shalt Not Retaliate:  Anger is a natural response when a relationship doesn’t work out the way we’d like. Acting out in retaliatory ways (eg. Outing your closeted ex to their co-workers) is just plain evil.
2. Thou Shalt Not Be a Victim: Even if they did you wrong, you are bigger than what happened.  Remember, whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.
3. Thou Shalt Not Stalk:  No, it is not appropriate to drive by to see if anyone else is at their home.  It is not okay to send twenty text messages a day just so you can get your feelings out.  Excessive calling, texting, drive bys, etc are not only unhealthy for you and scary for your ex, they can be illegal. 
4. Thou Shalt Not Slander:  As tempting as it may be to throw your ex under the bus, avoid telling anyone who’ll listen about how horribly they did you wrong. Keep that between you and your closest, most trusted friends.
5. Thou Shalt Not Use the Children as Weapons:  Under no circumstances should your children be used as a way to even the score with your ex.  Your children’s emotional health should always come before your need to feel vindicated or in control.  Nuff’ said.

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OUT OF ORDER: Signs You Are NOT Ready for a Relationship

For many of us, dating is a recreational activity.…a sport or a game, like the NBA Playoffs or the ever-addictive Words With Friends.  At its best dating is a ritual that brings two people together to explore the potential for building a longer-term, more serious relationship.  At the unhealthier end of the spectrum, it can be a compulsive and self-sabotaging behavioral pattern that I call “Dating While Broken.” 

Dating While Broken is what some people do when going through a major life transition such as unemployment, divorce, loss of a loved one, foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc.  The central purpose of DWB is to escape responsibility, not to create a loving union.  As a woman who has gone through her share of life’s ups and downs, I am unfortunately all too familiar with this syndrome.  At one point in my life I was a repeat offender.  It took a long time, but I eventually learned (the hard way, I might add) that escapism is a surefire recipe for disaster. 

Being “broken” isn’t a character flaw or a sign of weakness.  Emotional pain or suffering is a very normal response to the painful and challenging situations that are for better or worse, a part of the human experience.  But because they are in pain, someone who is Dating While Broken pursues new relationships from a position of fear and avoidance, not from empowerment and self-love.  Some of the symptoms of that you may be going through a “broken” period include:

• Negative Nellying:  If you stop long enough to listen to the tape in your head you’ll find that far too many of your thoughts are negative and full of harsh self-judgement.
• Emotional Rollercoasting:  You’re moods are unpredictable, constantly going up and down, up and down. You spend a lot of time managing your feelings, instead of simply just living in the moment or being happy.
• Central Casting:  You’re less interested in getting to know who they really are. Instead, your focus is on how they can fit into your fantasy of who you need them to be. The obvious problem with this is that you aren’t dealing with people as people with their own needs and desires, but as objects to satisfy your own.
• Misplaced Priorities:  The stress one faces while going through a major transition can create overwhelming feelings of anxiety. You’re already struggling with getting through your day-to-day responsibilities, however instead of focusing on what needs to be done, you focus your attention on the person(s) you’re dating. 

Look, I realize there’s no “perfect” time to date. The reality is that life is messy sometimes. But knowing (or in some cases not knowing) you are broken and dating anyway is a way to distract ourselves from the bigger issues that need to be faced. 

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FORBIDDEN FRUIT: Could you be the Other Wo(Man)?

You walk into a restaurant with a couple of friends. It’s your weekly Friday night outing and you can’t wait to get a drink.  As your trio settles in, you see an attractive man/woman standing at the far end of the bar.  Your eyes lock for a couple of seconds longer than a passing glance, and then you look away. A small rush fills your body as you see the honey begin to head in your direction. Your best friend whispers in your ear “Look who’s coming over to talk to you!” as you straighten up your posture, suck in your stomach and pray that she’s right.  As the beautiful stranger sidles up to you, you instinctively look down at his/herleft hand. “Damn!” you think to yourself as you notice the ring gleaming on that fourth finger.  “Married!”

Being the good person that you are, you turn your back on the wannabe cheater and put your attention back on your friends. Right?

Right??? 

According to one study, 1 in 5 long-term relationships begin when one of the partners is already involved with someone else. In the 90s it was called “O.P.P” or “Other People’s Property” by the hip hop group Naughty by Nature.  Today evolutionary psychologists use the term “mate poaching” to describe the behavior of luring someone else’s partner into a short-term fling or longer term relationship.  As antithetical as it may be to those seeking a loyal partner, research by some sociologists has shown that women tend to be attracted to thosealready in a relationship.  And if the woman lives in a culture that has more sexual equality (such as the U.S. versus Iran, for example) the women are more likely to try and “poach” another’s mate.

Women aren’t the only ones out there poaching: the study done by the International Sexuality Description Project found that 62% of men and 40% of women have admitted trying to seduce someone else’s mate for a fling, with 47% of the men and 32% of women admitting that they actually went for it.  Given the potential damage to one’s reputation that is possible if one is discovered to be a “mate poacher”, it’s highly likely that the actual number of women poaching going on is significantly higher than what’s being reported. After all, being branded as a “home wrecker” is about as low an insult our society can fling at a woman.  I mean, it’ll be a loooong time before Alicia Keys lives down the fact that she “poached” Mashonda’s husband. 

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